So for a thousand years and a hundred tongues, nothing changes but my heart, for no one else, still plunges deep into rough waters and a high tide for someone I cannot have.

Drip drop drip drop. Tick tuck tick tuck. What not what not.

Musically speaking my heart is rhythmically beating to a nonexistent melody. I yearn to dance ballet but I have only jived to roots all my life. I want to speak Bengalese but I don’t know if it even exists.

I built a fortress to keep me in check, a barricade to keep you out but still you infiltrated every system in my castle. Had my guards singing your praises and my maidens at your beck and call. My empire was under siege and I had no one to fight by my side, you charmed them all. Salt to injury, a pestering wound that heeds no physician or even the old lady’s herbs could heal.

I was comfortable being a gentle breeze you made me a roaring hurricane. A calm stream became rushing waters that swept everything in its wake. I had this pain in my chest cavity I think my blood is freezing or is it my heart aching?

You made bourbon taste like candy with words I was always handy but your presence made me scanty, look what you made me do?  You looked so wonderful, I liked your hair like that and could this be the last thing I see, it will never be enough for me.

I blabber, I stutter, I blush, I lose control of all my senses. I was born to be cold like the arctic or so I believed but you ignited a fire within my soul, a longing deep within the depths of the darkness looming over my falling crown. You are my muse, my fuse, my world, my sickness, my joy, my pain and my mental frustration.

Can I be him? You asked, I answered in the affirmative. You were him, are him, will always be him forever etched in the epitaphs of my being. Just say you won’t let go, say you’ll through the journey, the hurdles of the upheaval in my life. I hope you are home hope you are sober and I hope your pain faded.I could not sleep till I knew you were safe inside.

I want forever closure so that I can live through the exposure you left me to endure on my own. It is my way of finally saying goodbye grateful for the time we passed by. You held my hand even when I could not stand. Maybe I’ll love another but for me they’ll be no other who can take your place.

I pray you watch over me with that smile that stretched for miles to the heart I gave you. I cry every night that you probably know and I feel your voice, mischievous as it was, telling me I’m a wuss. I laugh recalling the positivity you radiated in every dark corner inhabited. Look down me with the glimmer of love you held in those eyes I loved losing myself in.

I write my letter for the love that was my lifeline. Goodbye till we meet on the shores of the afterlife and scream, cry, laugh, and argue as we did before. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe but your memories keep me going. My always and forever we are okay.

Even in life or death,

Forever flowing in my veins,

Yours beyond the grave,

The life you left behind.


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