Guns away! I know I am late but here we are with a new tale. It’s a feature by the very talented https://karimijunior.com/. He wanted to give us a taste of the male mind after Sasha’s hysterics on https://twistedempress.wordpress.com/2020/06/10/the-date/. Here is his version of the date.
7 days till the date. I’m on phone with my best friend Brian. Yeah, it just had to be a him and we all know how Brians are.
Me: Wassup my G
Brian: Duper my G. Long time…
Me: True. We should definitely link up soon
Brian: We sure should. What’s happening?
Me: Remember that badass cologne you used to have? The one with some twisted French name.
Brian: Hahaha. Yeah right, don’t bite your tongue. Savauge is the name bro. Got an interview?
Me: Nah! Not exactly but sort of. Just trying to score myself a wife…
Brian: Eish! All the best. Holla at Ben. He’ll deliver it to you.
Me: Thanks bro, got to go now. I’ll hit you up soon.
Man I need to make a lasting impression. One challenge down, several more to go. This is our first date after she turned me down twice, but in a polite way though. I feel like this was probably a bad idea asking her out but I can’t back out now. We have only exchanged photos online probably using layers of filters to hide those small insecurities; the pimples, the scars and the rest. Our vibe on the phone was flawless. I hope we maintain the same vibe for our first physical meeting.
5 days
I need a good outfit. A suit? Too official. Casual wear. Woah, not so sure. A blend of official and casual could work. Damn!!! Look at me, stressed about an outfit. The same me who simply picks up a T-shirt and a pair of jeans.
3 days
I need to check out the two restaurants recommended by Kelly. From the description, they look quite expensive but hey, life is too short! But what if I take her to my usual eatery? She might love it. ‘HELL NO Dave!!! She’ll slap the crap out of your face. That would be embarrassing, Right? Don’t even think about it bro.’ The voice of reason in me says.
Remember that Rooftop Restaurant? Oh yeah. That would be perfect. I’ll book that corner with the awesome view. It will definitely blow her mind or maybe sweep her off her feet. Their milkshake is just awesome. What if she’s lactose intolerant? Some wine could do. White or red? Her choice. But then again, what if she doesn’t indulge in this grapes’ product? They have cocktails, smoothies and fruit juices. That’s sorted. Therefore restaurant, check.
2 days
I’m all tensed up. What if she stands me up? The tension makes me feel like cancelling it. Cash, card or mobile money? I need to look classy. The card could be declined. The network service provider could decide to act up. Cash it is. I’ll just use all these options.
1 day
Tomorrow it is. Ben has delivered the cologne as promised. Do I need to polish up on the questions to ask. I don’t need to embarrass myself asking what her favorite color is. I move towards a mirror to have a look at myself as I need to convince myself that this is real. My skin looks like snake scales. When was the last time I moisturized? TOXIC MASCULINITY ALERT!
The last Men’s’ Conference advised against any form of lotion in a man’s hands unless you know what. To the speakers at the conference, I’m sorry tomorrow I will have to go against that. I can’t meet her looking like a toad, some lotion or jelly will come in handy. My beard look’s like the bush where the ram got caught in. I need to have a trim at least look decent enough. Rob my barber will work on my hair and beard tomorrow morning.
D-Day
Damn! I wake up and my heart seems to have signed up for the Olympics. The village witches are playing tic tac toe with my nerves. Man’s too nervous to even take breakfast.
7:30a.m
I find Rob and his assistant Kate cleaning up the work place. I grab a mop and give a helping hand. Rob later works on my hair and beard. He charges me a modest 100/- which I pay via mobile money. As I step out, he runs after me signaling me to stop. Apparently, due to the nervousness, I added an extra zero and paid 10 times for the service. He hands me the extra 900/-.
1 Hour
This is really happening. I’m all dressed up. Pssssssssh, pssssssssssh, pssssssssssssh. That is me applying the cologne. It’s the real deal. Together with this outfit, I’m definitely going to turn heads. This boosts my confidence to the skies. Time to head out.
Outfit☑?
Cologne☑?
Wallet☑?
Phone☑?
Car keys☑? Hold up!!! Bad idea. I’ll just use a cab. The night ahead could be a long one. Indulging in some drinks may be inevitable. A lot will be at stake. I could end up in a small room tomorrow morning answering ‘Yes your Honor’ or ‘No My Lord’ surrounded by the boys in blue and perhaps flashing lights courtesy of the Fourth Estate.
This reminds me, I have to get her home afterwards. Mine or hers. No, maybe next time. It’s just the first time. I don’t even know what I’m saying but we’ll see how it goes.
20 Minutes
I order a cab that arrives in minutes. On my way to pick her up. The driver notices my restlessness and tells me to relax. I really needed that. After a few minutes, I see her and head out to meet her. She is in a red dress, but then again, yours truly is color blind. May be it’s maroon or one they call rose pink. Anyway, point is the dress is just awesome and the fact that it is figure hugging….
No make up, just some color on the lips but still this descendant of Eve is as beautiful as it gets. Scrap that she is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. I gaze and stare. ‘Are you the hallmark for beauty because my man, the descendants of Adam need to pick up a thing or two from you.’ She says. Beauty and great pick up lines that is quite the package.
I laughed, I didn’t expect that welcome. ‘ You look amazing Sash. ‘ I say as I present her with a bouquet of Orange Roses with my trembling hands. Yeah, you heard that right, Orange Roses not red. Red is too cliché.
Her face lights up and we embrace in a tight hug. ‘Wow, your cologne smells nice. I think the best smell that ever hit my nostrils.’ She comments. This now has me all psyched up and looking forward to the date. It’s going to be great, I can feel it in my bones.
