PANDEMONIUM

I probably should buy those huge teddy bears preferably white or brown in color with lots of soft fur. Why do I need that? Simply for company especially when the days and nights seem like they stretch for miles without end. Maybe it’s the single life but that is the least of my worries. Mr. Right can be thrown in the attic until whenever but right now I have bigger fish to fry.

My mind is screaming at me and my heart, well my heart is just beating as it should but it feels dead. There’s no life and the simplest tasks feel like torture. Breathing feels like a punishment and the sound or even smell of happiness is intoxicating. I want to remain in this shell till kingdom come because I believe in life after death though sometimes the thought that I have to endure another day is really not welcoming.

I’m in my safe haven, music blasting through my earphones ignoring everyone and everything. Billie Eilish, Sam Smith, Adele, James Arthur and a couple of my lifesavers are playing on repeat. (Hey Red thanks for the playlists) They are my lifesavers because their music calms my nerves and averts my mind from thinking of things that will drive me to the edge.

Take me to the edge all my friends… they aren’t gone I push them away because nothing makes sense now. I want to quit school, stop feeling and living. Maybe it’s all getting to my head but it’s not the case. I want to stay in my bed binge watch movie after another, read novels and laugh cry just stop the war in my head.

If trash looked like a human it would be me. If sunshine was a person it would be me. Love, beauty, freedom, joy, sadness and all those emotions in between play a rock ballad sending me to spasmic attacks. Picture perfect, smile with all your teeth out (you look like a walrus maybe a warthog but that’s just my opinion) be happy. They keep whispering in my ear, I keep doing what they want I’ve forgotten how to be me.

“Meet my friends, person A, B, C, D, E…” The list is endless, my tongue is stuck in my throat and words fail to form it’s just a bundle of gibberish. My palms are sweaty and my armpits are swimming in perspiration. It feels like I ran a marathon but I barely moved 10 steps. I hate crowds and they hate me back. Embarrassment lurks in the corner ready to engulf me in a massive hug just because it can.

Today feels like I’m spitting rainbows and candy from my mouth. I’m in sync with the beauty of life, living and adventure. I call up my best friend, my twin and everyone who cares. We laugh and they comment on how bubbly I am. It feels amazing to be alive and happy. I feel loved, adored and appreciated considering it’s not even my birthday. Everything is riding on a wave of euphoric highness.

The day after, I’m angry at the world and I just want to hibernate. I don’t want to be called, my vulnerability is at its peak. Every little word said my way breaks me apart or builds me up. Each step is forced I just want to be gone. Gone for good faded in the memories of yester nights. I feel like a burden and I don’t want to talk about it because you won’t understand. I’m not seeking attention I cringe away from it. I’m a ticking time bomb at this point and darkness feels like home.

Quick to judge but slow to act until it’s too late. Check on your friends, the strong ones, the quiet ones, the busy ones and the selfless ones. Check on everyone, we are fighting battles each day some small others so big we need an army.

When my depraved thoughts come alive, I crave for long hugs. I don’t need to talk just one person to be there. Presence, all I need is presence when pandemonium in my head gets too loud.