Adamant. Rigid. Uptight. Guarded. I have a rich source of adjectives that could begin to describe what would paint a vivid image of who I assume to be, a safe human. Change is foreign, a concept I wouldn’t know where to start grasping, tails or heads.

Playing in the background is music that barely touches the surface of what I feel. Was I wrong? Was walking away one of those decisions that began the downward spiral of my already pathetic life?

Regretful, I don’t think I am but I know self-sabotage better than my food allergies. I have found several nice things for myself. Kindness in the way they look at me and treat me like a rare gem.

It feels a little surreal, I can feel myself closing them off because I don’t understand the idea of good things being mine for the taking. Endless possibilities, the road could end just anywhere on the map. A day at a time, no commitment no strings attaching.

What if I miss out on a good thing because I am too scared? If I say yes and then it becomes the greatest mistake of my life? What then shall I do? How will I start picking up pieces that aren’t even scattered?

Photo by Daria Shevtsova on

Safe. Cautious. Prepared. If I could have a manual that details solutions for every possible scenario that could occur I’d be less afraid of diving into the waters. As clear as they seem, looks can be deceiving.

I am trying to make sense of the scenes in my head but the editor is doing a messy job of cleaning up the final picture. Explaining the idea seems futile as everything gets clogged up and no feedback is received from the transmitters. Are you patient enough to wait?

When the picture gets clearer will you still be there? I know it’s not the wild streak you looked forward to but the fear gnawing away at my rationality is working fast. I can only work with familiarity, the paths I know where the potholes sink deeper and my safety is guaranteed.

So have I successfully scared you off so I can tread the road I always take? Sad music my comfort as I mull over the maybes and almost that I threw away on whims of not being enough. This hill I shall make my dwelling, it’s safe here I can stay within my bubble.

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